


Forgive this helpless haze I'm in

by soberqueerinthewild



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Domestic Fluff, I just wanted them to make out, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-13
Updated: 2019-10-13
Packaged: 2020-12-14 13:23:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21016475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soberqueerinthewild/pseuds/soberqueerinthewild
Summary: An Eddie POV fic sometime post 3x03. Pure domestic fluff so I could write them making out.





	Forgive this helpless haze I'm in

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first 9-1-1 fic and the only non-RNM fic I've written in forever, so be gentle!   
Originally posted to tumblr 10/12/19. I'm soberqueerinthewild over there as well, feel free to come visit!
> 
> *Title from Guys and Dolls "I've Never Been in Love Before"

In retrospect, Eddie feels like a bisexual awakening should be more dramatic than this. If it was going to happen, shouldn’t it be in response to a surprise kiss, or catching a glimpse of a man in the locker room or something? It can’t possibly happen on a Tuesday night, walking into his own living room with a bowl of popcorn to see his son fast asleep in his best friend’s lap, arms fastened around his neck, like he can’t imagine any place safer to rest. It seems like it would feel more like a lightning strike rather than a bone deep certainty that this is the scene he wants to come home to every night for the rest of his life. 

But somehow, this is what does it for him. In one flash, he knows exactly what he wants. He feels like he should be freaking out about the fact that apparently he’s not as straight as he once thought, but instead of being scared of the thought and its implications, it just feels…right. Inevitable. Eddie seems to have hurtled right over questioning into verified bisexual. Now that he’s opened his eyes to it, he knows he’s attracted to Buck, knows it in the same way he knew he was attracted to Shannon and every other woman he’d been with. Maybe in the days ahead, some consternation will set in about how he could have possibly missed this fundamental part of himself for so long, but for now all he feels is lucky. Because if there’s even a minuscule chance that Buck might feel the same way, then it will be like hitting the damn jackpot.

Eddie has shied away from dating in the past because Christopher was his priority. How could he be sure someone he dated would understand his devotion to his son? And he couldn’t just introduce Christopher to someone who might leave the way Shannon had. Especially not after she returned to his life so briefly before dying so tragically. He could never risk bringing more loss or disappointment into Christopher’s life. But _Buck_, god, Buck already loves Christopher with the same intensity Eddie does. He’d torn himself into pieces, run himself literally into the ground to save Christopher in the tsunami, and seems to crave spending time with him in the same way Eddie does. He never ignores Christopher’s questions, never seems to tire of playing games or building Legos with him. Buck would… well, Buck _does _fit seamlessly into their lives. And Eddie craves Buck’s presence too, and not just because of how he is with Christopher. He didn’t have a name for it before, but ever since they met, he’s always just wanted _more _of Buck. More of his attention, more of his daring grins, more of his infectious enthusiasm. And seeing another side to Buck these past months, a side of him that’s struggling, hurting, well, all Eddie wants to do is take care of him, make him feel better, bring that smile back to his face as often as he possibly can. So yeah, maybe he should have realized a little earlier that his feelings for Buck go far beyond friendship.

He’s a smart man, but he can see now that he’s been unbelievably oblivious. How could he not have pieced together why his heart sped up when Buck looked at him a certain way, or why he’s always been annoyed by Taylor, Ali, and every other flavor of the week? He told himself it was that none of them were ever good enough for Buck and he just wanted what was best for him, but now he knows it’s because he’s always felt viscerally that Buck is _his_.

It’s obvious to him now that there have been a hundred moments over the course of their friendship that probably should have triggered this revelation. Like when Buck collapsed at his welcome back party and Eddie couldn’t breathe until Maddie updated him that Buck had regained consciousness. Or possibly last week when he was on his one and only date with Lena, and Buck texted a picture of him and Christopher posing in front of a LEGO creation of god knows what, and he’d cut the evening short because he’d smiled more looking at that picture than he had the whole date. Or even months ago, when he refused to entertain the idea of moving home after Shannon’s death because his brain couldn’t even compute the idea of living someplace where he couldn’t see Buck every day. 

“Diaz, are you hiding over there so you can eat all the popcorn? I promise to share this time.” 

Buck’s voice, though quiet enough to keep from waking Christopher, manages to jolt Eddie from his reverie. He blushes, as he takes in Buck’s puzzled expression, obviously wondering why Eddie stands frozen halfway between the kitchen and the living room, staring like a moron. He shakes his head to clear it before making his way back to the couch, hoping Buck doesn’t notice the way his hands shake as he places the popcorn on the table in front of them. Buck looks at him questioningly for another beat, perhaps waiting to see if Eddie is going to explain why he’s acting so weird. When no explanation is forthcoming, Buck seems to shrug it off, readjusting Christopher in his lap so one hand is free to grab a fistful of popcorn. Eddie takes a deep breath in, hoping to calm his racing heart, wondering what he’s supposed to do now. The world may have tilted on its axis for Eddie, but he needs to remind himself that to Buck, everything is the same as it’s always been.

But as the evening wears on, he wonders if that’s true. Because it kind of feels like something has shifted for Buck too, or maybe Eddie is just suddenly noticing more things he missed in his obliviousness before. When the stiffness in Buck’s leg forces him to transfer Christopher from his lap to the couch, Buck could easily move to the left, stretch his leg out on the chaise, and move Christopher between them. Instead, he chooses to shift to the right, close enough to where Eddie can feel the warmth of his thigh, and lets Christopher curl up against his left side. Has he always done that? Sat so close? Or is he testing the waters, like Eddie so desperately wants to? Buck seems to touch Eddie a lot, too, bumping their shoulders together playfully, or putting a hand on his knee to get his attention. Is this new? Or is it just Eddie’s newfound hyperawareness due to the frisson he feels whenever Buck’s skin touches his. 

Eddie has no idea what scenes are playing out on the TV in front of him, but by the time the credits roll, he’s memorized every inch of Buck’s profile, from the strong set of his jaw, to the dimple that flashes every time he’s amused, to his impossibly long eyelashes. He averts his gaze a few times when Buck’s eyes meet his, and can’t help but notice in his periphery that Buck flushes and looks away too, like he’s the one caught staring. Hope flares in his chest and he’s almost worked up the nerve to say something, when a loud snore from Christopher breaks the silence and a quick glance at his watch reveals it’s well past his bedtime. Whatever he was about to say will have to wait.

Buck checks his own phone, grimaces at the time, and stands, lifting Christopher off the couch and into his arms before Eddie even finishes the thought. 

“I can get him to bed for you,” Buck offers belatedly, and Eddie can’t do anything but smile softly at him and nod, following him to Christopher’s bedroom, where they work together in sync to complete Christopher’s nighttime routine and get him settled. He wakes up long enough to beg Buck to read him a bedtime story, and Eddie thinks his heart might explode watching them cuddle up together, Buck’s strong, clear voice lulling Christopher to sleep. 

When they are sure Christopher is out for the count, they sneak out of the room, closing the door softly. They make their way quietly back down the hall and Buck stops as they near the front door. Eddie pauses too, realizing he desperately doesn’t want Buck to leave. 

As Eddie contemplates how he can extend the evening, keep Buck here a little longer, Buck says quietly, “It’s getting late. I guess I should probably get going?” 

Eddie knows he’s reading into every pause in Buck’s sentences, every inflection in his tone, possibly searching for things that aren’t there, but he swears Buck’s offer to leave sounds less like a statement and more like a question. One that Eddie jumps to answer. 

“You don’t have to leave…not if you don’t want to.” With an involuntary step forward, Eddie realizes belatedly that the words hadn’t come out like a friendly invitation to crash on the couch, but more like a come on, and not even a very good one. Buck doesn’t miss Eddie’s tone either, if the way his eyes widen with surprise and confusion is any indication. Before Eddie can scramble to find the words to walk it back, make a joke, and break the tension that’s sprung up between them, he feels a hand on his arm and when he looks back at Buck the surprise has shifted into something else. The questioning arch of his eyebrow remains, but there’s heat in his gaze, too, like maybe Buck feels this pull too. It’s almost enough to convince Eddie to throw caution to the wind. All it would take was one more step forwards, a brush of their noses together and … but no. He reminds himself the goal is just to get Buck to stay. By morning he’ll have figured out what to say, how to approach this in a way that won’t have Buck running for the hills and out of his life forever if he doesn’t return Eddie’s feelings. 

He’s just resolved to put some distance between them and tear his gaze away, when Buck flutters his goddamn eyelashes at him and any semblance of self control Eddie may have possessed is _gone_ is an instant. Eddie’s hands act on their own accord and both are cupping Buck’s face and hauling him in for a kiss before his brain has a chance to catch up. There’s no finesse, just a firm press of lips, but at the first contact any lingering doubts about whether this new attraction is real are erased as warmth floods through him. Unable to help it, he leans more firmly into the kiss for a beat before common sense returns and he realizes that mauling his best friend with no warning hadn’t been the plan. He breaks the kiss and takes a step back, intent on giving Buck room to flee while he figures out what the hell to say to him. 

He forces himself to meet Buck’s eyes again, and as expected, he looks shocked and a little dazed. But before Eddie can formulate an apology, Buck grabs two fistfuls of his shirt and crashes their mouths together eagerly. Eddie hears himself let out a low groan as he pulls Buck closer, gripping his hips and maneuvering them until Buck’s back hits the door and their bodies are pressed up against one another. If Eddie was waiting for a lightning strike, he finds it now, with every nerve ending in his body electrified. Eventually the need to breathe wins out, and they pull apart, pressing their foreheads together. Eddie lets out a laugh of disbelief that he actually gets to have this. That in only a few hours time, he’s admitted to himself that he’s bisexual and in love with his best friend, and now they’re making out against his front door. He can’t believe it could be this easy, that everything he didn’t know he needed is now right within his grasp. 

Another thought occurs to him and he laughs louder, earning a gruff, “What’s so funny?” from Buck. From the hurt look on Buck’s face, Eddie realizes Buck thinks he’s laughing at him. 

“I’m not laughing about this. This isn’t funny, this is amazing.” Eddie is quick to reassure, moving his hands up Buck’s body until they are framing his face again, their foreheads still pressed together. “But I was just thinking that if I was going to have a bisexual awakening, I would have expected it to be through a surprise kiss or something. It wasn’t for me, but maybe it is for you?” All of the sudden Eddie’s a little unsure, worried that maybe putting a word to things might spook Buck, make him reconsider. 

Eddie’s relieved when Buck starts laughing too, though after a moment he gets the sense that Buck isn’t so much laughing _with _him, as _at _him. 

“What?” he asks indignantly. 

“Sorry,” Buck breaks off to laugh again, “you thought _this _was my bisexual awakening? _Please_. That happened months ago. Just been waiting for you to catch up.” 

Buck smiles cheekily at Eddie and leans in for a kiss that starts out soft, but quickly turns demanding as Buck slides his hands into Eddie’s hair pulling gently, until Eddie’s pressing him into the door again, licking into Buck’s mouth as it opens against his. It takes a minute after they separate for Eddie’s brain to catch up and process Buck’s last statement.

“Wait…so if this wasn’t it, when did you, you know, realize it?” Eddie laughs again at how surreal this conversation, this whole night, feels. 

“Umm…when was the first time you took your shirt off in front of me?” Buck flashes a familiar smirk, like he always does when he’s being a smart mouth and giving Eddie shit. “Maybe that’s when I should have known, anyways. But I guess really it was actually around Christmas. We were out with Christopher, and just being with you and him, you know, it all felt perfect, for the most part. And after we’d taken a picture with this woman dressed as an elf, and you’d pulled Christopher away, the woman said something about how cute Christopher was, assuming that the three of us were a family. And I just.. I didn’t correct her. And I realized that I liked the way it sounded, liked the way it felt, thinking about us together, about you, me and Christopher as a family. And I know I’m not Christopher’s father, but—“ 

Before Buck can finish the thought, Eddie’s kissing him again, slower this time, savoring the feel of it, still not quite believing how perfect, how almost fated this all seems. As much as Eddie’s ego might have enjoyed if Buck’s smart remark about his shirtlessness triggering lust had been real, he likes the truth of it so much more. Loves that for Buck, just like for Eddie, it was a domestic moment that brought his feelings to light. Of course they’d be in sync on this, just like they are with everything else. 

Though the kiss started out sweet, it quickly deepens and soon they’re both gasping for air again. As much as part of him wants to drag Buck down the hall to his room, he doesn’t want to rush things. It’s not nerves exactly. Even though, as far he knows, neither of them have done the whole sex with men thing, he’s pretty confident their bodies would figure out what to do, if the last few minutes are any indication. But even though his libido might have other ideas, he really does want to go slowly. This thing between them, all it is now, and all it could be, is so precious, that he doesn’t want to risk it by racing forwards too quickly. 

“That invitation to stay over still good?” The intention in Buck’s tone is unmistakable, and Eddie’s resolve nearly melts, especially as Buck peppers kisses across Eddie’s cheeks, down to his neck, pausing to nip at the juncture where his neck and shoulder meet, making Eddie groan again and pull their hips flush against each other. “Is that a yes?” Buck mumbles before claiming Eddie’s mouth again. 

Eddie forces himself not to deepen the kiss, pulling away after a minute even as Buck makes a low noise in the back of his throat that makes Eddie want nothing more than to pull him back in and figure out what other noises he can get Buck to make. But Eddie knows he’s going to have to be the one with the level head, because god knows Buck is going to approach this the same way he does everything else: head first and at full speed. Eddie usually doesn’t mind being the sensible one, the one to put the brakes on Buck’s recklessness, make sure they both get a soft landing. But now, in the face of Buck’s pout as Eddie takes one step back, he’s almost tempted to reconsider his position, especially when Buck flutters his eyelashes again, and _fuck _Eddie is already so weak for him that trying to deny him anything is going to be nearly impossible. But this is important, monumental even, and Eddie’s going to make sure they do this right.

“To stay, yes, that invitation is still good.” Buck’s smirk returns and he goes to pull Eddie against him, but Eddie stops him reluctantly with a firm hand on Buck’s chest. “But, to sleep, _just _sleep.” Buck pouts again and Eddie wants to kiss it right off his face, but he resists the urge, instead gentling his tone, he continues, “I want you here tomorrow, so we can talk about this, and what it means for us, with, you know, clear heads.” 

Buck rolls his eyes, but smiles at Eddie with fondness and acquiesces. Eddie tugs Buck down the hall to his room. Buck’s crashed on the couch more times than either of them can count, and even has a toothbrush in the bathroom and knows his way around. After they’re both done in the bathroom, Eddie finds Buck hesitating outside his bedroom door, his usual brash confidence replaced by a look of uncertainty, like he thinks maybe Eddie might change his mind, kick him back out to the couch, or even send him home. Eddie kisses him once, fast, pulling away before they can get carried away again. He threads their fingers together, leading him over to the bed. Eddie expects getting into bed together, even just to sleep might be a bit awkward at first, but somehow, like everything else with them so far tonight, it feels natural for Eddie to stretch out on his back, and for Buck to curl up to his side with his head on Eddie’s chest. He tightens his arm around Buck’s shoulder, and presses a kiss to his temple before drifting off to sleep, more content than he can ever remember being. 

The next morning when Eddie’s awoken too early by Christopher’s joyous scream as he jumps on Buck to wake him up, Eddie can see their future, laid so clearly in front of them, the three of them growing closer as a family, with a million more moments just like this one. And he’s so thankful for every second he and Buck have had together, leading them to this moment and all the promise that lies ahead. 


End file.
